I wanted this to be a funny post. I have been thinking about that all week, and so i have not written until now because I have been waiting to be inspired by the humor fairy. She must be on vacation I thought. But then I found her.I decided to try out an acupuncturist yesterday (never been to one) because I had a gift certificate for a free session/consulation. The acupuncturist was one of those bright, sunny, cheery dispositioned pretty young girls, the kind you see at Oak Park festivals with long flowing blond locks, a flower in their hair and a butterfly face painted on. And she turned out to be a sort of humor fairy. She thankfully and graciously said a lot of wise and healing things during my session, soothing words that just rolled out of her mouth with not so much as a thought. Wish I could speak like that I thought. One thing she emphasized was "You are going to laugh next time your son does somethign to drive you crazy. You will just laugh.", she said. "Because in that moment, it is the way it is supposed to be. It's just perfect. You are going to take 'exhausted' out of your vocabulary and replace it with 'calm'." REALLY???? I thought, calm instead of exhausted? GAWD that would be a divine miracle! Lying there on the cushy table, spa music going, needles head to toe, lavender patches over my eyes, listening to her sweet sweet voice, I bought her idea hook, line and sinker. I imagined, yes, he will be an butthead, and from now on when that happens I will LAUGH instead of getting tied up in knots, and it will be a 'perfect' moment" each time this happens AND I can blog about how FUNNY his behavior is. Tears came.
Skipping down her driveway with unbearable lightness of being that she and her tiny, loving needles had instilled in me. The world is just perfect I thought. I am perfect. I am just going to "rest and repair, rest and repair, rest and repair". Ahhhh. I have not felt that utterly, deep-into-my- bones relaxed since springbreak at age 17 lying on the beach with a bottle of tequila and pack of lemons at my side listening to U2's Joshua Tree over and over. Aah yes, life before kids.
That afternoon and evening I had a ball with my boys. I was calm, they were calm, we were "perfect". The next day Finbar had his worst day ever at school. I had warned his teacher that he was very upset that his dad went out of town and that this could affect him during school. My instincts were as usual correct, and I was greeted at pick-up by his teacher with "Hi, I HAVE to speak to you". Wow. She had never chatted after school with me before. Yikes. I braced myself. I was CALM. She went through the day's woes. Yeah, it was butt ugly stuff. I decided to speak to him later. Stay calm.
Then on the way home I had one of those "fringe" moments. A few Kindergarten moms, two of whom I had spoken to before, were with their kids, Finbar's classmates, at the park across from our house. We had to stop at the park on the way home to pick up my younger one whom a friend was watching. Well after his bad day at school, Finbar was in a foul mood, loud voice, defiant posturing, clueless. I warned him sternly not to embarass me and planned to go straight home after getting Declan. It didn't happen that way, and I found myself back in high school. Group of moms whom I should go up to, say hello and hang otu with, wanted to, but couldn't because my son was going to go ballistic and I desperately wanted to get across the street into the safe confines of my home before they saw what he was capable of. And to boot, would wonder what kind of mom I was to have an almost 6 yr old who screams at everyone adn everything and I can't control him. It was awkward to say the least. I smiled, pretended to be occupied with my kids, chatted with a neighbor quickly and made the loud request to my kids that we needed to go home and get lunch. That will be a few weeks of social regret until I muster up the courage to tell those moms what was going on. Until then, they will just think I am rude or weird I guess. Sigh.
The tension started there and just built for the rest of the day. Until an incident at bathtime, the witching hour I call it, threw me over the edge. Gone was the calm that sweet lady had poked into me and I lay in bed at 8:45pm EXHAUSTED. Well I thought, I can start again tomorrow, remind myself to "replace exhausted with calm", have my Nano Greens, Cod Liver Oil, Yerba Mate and give it another go. And make another acupunture appointment :)